Narcissists at this end of the spectrum often employ a dangerous abuse tactic called DARVO, which stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. If you confront these individuals with a wrongdoing, they will deny it ever happened, even in the face of clear and overwhelming evidence. You might show them sexual text messages they sent to another person, or tell them they hurt you when they slapped you, and they will say, “That never happened. You don’t know what you’re talking about.” Then they will attack you for bringing it up, saying, “Here you go again. Everything is a big deal with you. You always are so sensitive. You are crazy.” They will then reverse the victim and offender roles, making you the perpetrator and them the victim. Instead of taking responsibility for their actions, they aim to make you out to be the perpetrator by saying things like, “You always do this to me! You know how hard I am trying and how much this accusation is going to set me back!” In the end, you are left questioning your own perceptions and judgment and having to defend yourself for simply confronting them with their wrongdoing. You may even be stunned into silence and confusion.
For individuals on this end of the spectrum, treatment is rarely effective. They seldom want to participate in psychotherapy because they believe everyone else is to blame. When they do participate, they often quit prematurely when they become threatened or uncomfortable. They can be educated about the characteristics and symptoms of their disorder, but lasting change is very rarely the case.
Over the course of my career, I have had the opportunity to assist many individuals who are involved in relationships with people at this far and dangerous end of the spectrum. Throughout the past two decades, I have yet to witness someone at this end of the spectrum recovering to the degree that they are able to sustain deep, meaningful relationships for any significant length of time. They may say they want to change… they may briefly employ better communication techniques, and appear to demonstrate improved empathy… but they always seem to revert back to their old ways of controlling, manipulating, and gaslighting.
The reason for this, is that the problems exhibited by the narcissist don’t originate in the way he or she behaves…. They are derived from in the way he or she thinks. Working to change the behavior is like putting a lid on a boiling pot of water. You can briefly contain the overflow, but to stop the boil, you need to turn off the flame.
So how do you know if your partner can change? How can you determine what end of the spectrum they fall on?
You do this by looking at the severity of symptoms they demonstrate and asking yourself a few questions. Does your partner have a lengthy history of toxic relationships? Do you feel unsafe in their presence? You can take the short quiz underneath to discover where your partner is likely to fall on the spectrum, and what the probability is for them to be able to successfully change.
If your partner demonstrates mild traits of narcissism, and is committed to seeking treatment, therapy should be designed to help him or her:
Areas of change are directed at helping him or her accept responsibility and learn to:
There are no medications specifically used to treat narcissistic personality disorder; however, if the individual has symptoms of depression, anxiety or other conditions, medications such as antidepressants or anti-anxiety drugs may be helpful.
Treatment for NPD is complex, involves many stages, and is likely to take a long time. For someone on the low, milder end of the spectrum with a true desire to change, treatment can be successful. Treatment often involves taking small, incremental steps forward on a consistent basis while being authentic with other people. If the individual is able to do so, they can manage or eliminate narcissistic behaviors, dimmish their defenses, and enjoy more fulfilling and meaningful relationships and a richer, more joyful life.
If your partner is a narcissist on the higher, more severe end of the spectrum, you may wish to participate in therapy to help you cope. Therapy can help you develop the courage and resilience needed to establish boundaries and navigate this challenging relationship…. or find the strength to leave it.
AUTHOR
Dr. Susan Spicer
She is a licensed psychologist, neuropsychological expert, executive life coach, and certified brain health coach. She is the Founder and President of Brainwave Technologies and Co-Founder of Therapist to Millions. She works in private practice in Michigan and Florida.
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