Can a Narcissist be Cured? (part 1)

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a mental condition in which the individual has an inflated sense of self-importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that's vulnerable to even the slightest criticism.

Narcissistic personality disorder can cause problems in many areas of life, including relationships, work, school and financial affairs. People with narcissistic personality disorder may be generally unhappy and disappointed when they're not given the special favors or admiration, they believe they deserve. They tend to find their relationships unfulfilling, and often have avoidant attachment styles. Due to their lack of empathy, they can also be manipulative, demanding, and arrogant. Their friendships are often superficial, and others may not enjoy being around them. 

In my private practice, 90% of my work involves EMDR therapy to help individuals recover from trauma and narcissistic abuse. After decades of working with people in relationships with narcissists, I’ve observed many similarities in the way narcissists inflict pain on their partners, and commonalities in the way they gaslight, manipulate, and control their victims. I often hear my clients make statements about their narcissistic partners such as:

“He was so charming when we first met, and now I can’t do anything right in his eyes.”
 

“I feel like she is never happy with anything I do.” 

“He thinks the rules don’t apply to him, and he gets mad if I question something he says in front of my friends.” 

“It’s like the world has to revolve around her. She messes with my mind sometimes.” 

Research on this important question is divided, and theorists have opposing opinions about the answer. Historically, psychologists have suggested that narcissists have deeply engrained personality traits that are resistant to treatment. In addition, the internet is bursting with information suggesting there is no hope of change for person diagnosed with NPD. Recent research, however, suggests narcissistic tendencies can improve with support from a compassionate, trained therapist. So, what’s the answer?

After decades of working narcissistic individuals and their partners, I have discovered the truth lies somewhere in between, and that to answer to this important question, we first need to recognize the fact that narcissistic traits fall on a spectrum. This spectrum constitutes a continuum of behaviors, with a severity of symptoms that range from mild to extreme. This makes each narcissist is unique. There are two ends of this spectrum, and all narcissists fall somewhere in between. 

At the beginning of this spectrum lies the individual who has mild characteristics of narcissism that are not significantly pronounced and don’t interfere with daily functioning. These individuals exhibit some narcissistic behaviors but don’t meet full criteria for this disorder. They may occasionally feel sad because they fall short of perfection, and they may be somewhat self-absorbed. They may be envious of others, have mild difficulty regulating their emotions, and exaggerate their talents and achievements. They struggle with relationships and emotions, but with insight and effort, they are able to adequately navigate relationships and maintain their connections to others. These individuals can benefit from treatment, and most can be taught to develop and sustain relationships. They can change. 

At the other end of the spectrum are individuals who demonstrate severe symptoms and meet full criteria for NPD. These people are skilled at manipulation and gaslighting. They lack empathy, take advantage of others to get what they want, and have an exaggerated sense of self-importance. They often require excessive admiration and are unable to handle the slightest of criticisms.